Take the power back?

Ever feel so small you want to die?

So petrified of what is coming that you don't know what to do?

So terrified that you're about to fail, which breaks your heart. But even worse is the punishment to be dished out by someone that should just there to support you?

So ready to move on and take control, but so incapable of doing so?

It breaks my heart even more. I feel so useless. And so helpless.

So pathetic.

Getting on with it

I have so much to do.

I started my new job today. As far as the theory of what the job entails goes (paper work and the like) it all makes perfect sense and doesn't seem like it shall be that hard to conquer. The hard part will be getting to know all the students and staff, and being able to hold my own, and have the kids get to know me. But I think it's a challenge that will get easier in time.

I have to tidy up, and take the washing out of the machine. Boring mundane stuff, I know. But I'm coming to enjoy it. If only it didn't take up so much time.

Then on to the practice. So much I have to do. So much I want to do...

Breathing Space

Feeling better today about things. Life is the same, but my mind has settled down and stopped racing. That's really all I could ask for in this very moment.

Had my final lesson before I take the plunge. I don't necessarily feel prepared or like I'm any where near where I should be right now (and I don't say that to be modest, I am truly ill prepared right now) but I feel like it's at least achievable. There is plenty of time, I just have to do it. If I am found wanting, the fault can be placed squarely on my preparation. (I'm beginning to see a trend in my life...)
My teacher made me feel more relaxed about the whole deal. Mind set. (Apparently.) We'll see. I'm excited at the prospect.

I was offered a job today, which I accepted. I really wanted it since I first saw it advertised. The work seemed like something I would enjoy, in an environment I am accustomed to being in. The pay was also the clincher. I did, however, discover today that the pay is only 43% of what I thought it was (could I have been more wrong?) but I think I'll still enjoy it anyway. It will be good to have a steady job where they can't just fire me at the drop of a hat.

Judgement Day.

Two weeks.
14 days.
336 hours.
20160 minutes.
1209600 seconds.

Just over a million seconds? Looking at it that way, it's not much time at all.
Where did my hunger go? My drive.

I always wanted to be great. One of the greatest in fact.
Now I'm staring down a tunnel and all I can see staring back is mediocrity. Yet nothing inside me is willing me to act in order to avoid such a tragic finale.

Today, I thought... Surely today, I thought.