Tomorrow

It all worked out in the end. Apparently. What an odd feeling. I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if I deserved it... And I'm wondering whether it really matters in the end. What matters is what I make of it now that I've managed to make it to this point.

I want the same things as I did at this time last year. Only now I have more to lose. Which would be silly. I'm so much closer to getting where I want to be... But that's good. I feel like it's actually achievable. And I still want it.

This is good.

Take the power back?

Ever feel so small you want to die?

So petrified of what is coming that you don't know what to do?

So terrified that you're about to fail, which breaks your heart. But even worse is the punishment to be dished out by someone that should just there to support you?

So ready to move on and take control, but so incapable of doing so?

It breaks my heart even more. I feel so useless. And so helpless.

So pathetic.

Getting on with it

I have so much to do.

I started my new job today. As far as the theory of what the job entails goes (paper work and the like) it all makes perfect sense and doesn't seem like it shall be that hard to conquer. The hard part will be getting to know all the students and staff, and being able to hold my own, and have the kids get to know me. But I think it's a challenge that will get easier in time.

I have to tidy up, and take the washing out of the machine. Boring mundane stuff, I know. But I'm coming to enjoy it. If only it didn't take up so much time.

Then on to the practice. So much I have to do. So much I want to do...

Breathing Space

Feeling better today about things. Life is the same, but my mind has settled down and stopped racing. That's really all I could ask for in this very moment.

Had my final lesson before I take the plunge. I don't necessarily feel prepared or like I'm any where near where I should be right now (and I don't say that to be modest, I am truly ill prepared right now) but I feel like it's at least achievable. There is plenty of time, I just have to do it. If I am found wanting, the fault can be placed squarely on my preparation. (I'm beginning to see a trend in my life...)
My teacher made me feel more relaxed about the whole deal. Mind set. (Apparently.) We'll see. I'm excited at the prospect.

I was offered a job today, which I accepted. I really wanted it since I first saw it advertised. The work seemed like something I would enjoy, in an environment I am accustomed to being in. The pay was also the clincher. I did, however, discover today that the pay is only 43% of what I thought it was (could I have been more wrong?) but I think I'll still enjoy it anyway. It will be good to have a steady job where they can't just fire me at the drop of a hat.

Judgement Day.

Two weeks.
14 days.
336 hours.
20160 minutes.
1209600 seconds.

Just over a million seconds? Looking at it that way, it's not much time at all.
Where did my hunger go? My drive.

I always wanted to be great. One of the greatest in fact.
Now I'm staring down a tunnel and all I can see staring back is mediocrity. Yet nothing inside me is willing me to act in order to avoid such a tragic finale.

Today, I thought... Surely today, I thought.

Oh, one last thing. What is it that I want?

I want to stand up on a stage. Or even just in a room. And play. And when I finish, be able to say that was the best I could have done. I gave it my all. I had nothing left to give, I'm not capable of anything else. My preparation was the best it could have been. There was nothing else to be done. In that moment. Or in the lead up.

No excuses. Not hiding behind anything outside of myself. Accepting what I did, and hopefully being proud. On top of that, hopefully it will be great. I want to do something no one else has done before.

Finally. Not being scared to fail. To give my all and to not be afraid of being found wanting.

Uni Days

This is my fourth year at uni. My eighth semester. Technically, I could have finished most of the courses offered at my uni, but instead I'm only approaching midway through mine. This is the first time I've made it to second semester of second year. I should probably be a little ashamed, and truth be told I am a little, but I'm also glad things worked out this way. I'm quite happy with the way my life is currently unfolding, my laziness aside.

I feel like I've learnt so much about myself, and life, in these four years I've been at uni that I would have missed had I gone through head down studying solidly for the past 4 years. Not to mention, I would be in the wrong course. I say wrong (instead of different) because I feel like where I am right now is exactly where I am meant to be. I've had time to sit back and observe, to live a little and to work and study equally. I don't know what I want to be, but I know what I want and how to get there now. I'm not saying that I will get there, I'm just saying that I know what I'm doing now is right for me.

Anyway. That's enough catching you up with my life up to now.

A New Beginning

I've decided I have a lot to say. Or at least, I sometimes like to talk about myself. Offload the ups and downs of my days, weeks and months. I realise that I, as much as the next person, enjoy listening to people talking about themselves, but like everyone I have a limit. It reaches a point where I just don't care any more. Some things, I don't think I need to know. Depending on who you are, and how much I like you, of course.

So, being aware of this, I decided that perhaps this way, I am not forcing anyone to listen to my pointless stories. I can ramble as much (or as little) as I like, and no one is going to tell me to pipe down. If someone happens to read, good for them. If no one does, then I can still pretend like my life is the hottest blog online.